My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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