I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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