My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
