I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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