My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
