What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
