I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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