Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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