i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You can't motorboat a personality
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
