I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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