I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
