we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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