We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
