Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
