dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How does one acquire holy water?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
