Pappa wants mamma naked
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
