She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sober January is a disaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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