You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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