my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
