having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
