I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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