guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drake has all the answers
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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