i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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