Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
