So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
