omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do vagina's smell?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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