According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
