he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
