I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
