This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize