Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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