Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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