okay pat passed out under dana's car
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
