I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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