Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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