Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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