im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
