Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
