I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
