I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
