onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
