you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
