At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
