Im at strip club and am horny
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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