i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
