I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
