My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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