Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
