She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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