My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
