when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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