There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
