If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
