I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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