Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
