he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
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I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
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Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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