On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
