What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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