pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
