fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
