The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
