you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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