If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
