My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
